i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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