woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
