I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
