lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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