I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
