she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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