Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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