omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The feeling are messing with the penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
