and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
