we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I intend to get homeless drunk
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
