My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
