Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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