she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
