There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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