apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
are you so shy because you have an std?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
