Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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