i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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