I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
