at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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