so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
our cab driver is having phone sex.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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