So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
