How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I forget how to act sober
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
