On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
