The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
