So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
