just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
