I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
