My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
