It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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