We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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