So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
