My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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