Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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