what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
