Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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