I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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