I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
