I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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