He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
