its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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