Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
