I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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