Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
