If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
