it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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