a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
