I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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