i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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