Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
