she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize