Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
