Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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