I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
