Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
