My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
