In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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