Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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