peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize