Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
