On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
