did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
