he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I need moral support for this bender
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
