she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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