Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
