doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
