Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
