Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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