I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
