Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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